#9 ON BIRTHDAYS
Which Ageing Attachment Style Are You?
Hey good human,
Since we last spoke, I've been on a transformative journey that felt like a re-birth. More on that later. It feels fitting, given our last conversation was #8 ON DEATH & RE-BIRTHS.
On October 22nd, I celebrated thirty-nine laps around the sun. And on that day, a RE-TURN ON WISDOM reader sent me this message:
“Happy birthday gorgeous! Don’t you just love getting older!? Best thing xx”
She knows me well.
I do love getting older.
Today, I’m reflecting on birthdays and how they can evoke different feelings in each of us.
I love unusual pairings (in all forms—food, relationships, clothing, experiences), so I paired birthdays with attachment styles. This inspiration comes from the book ‘Attached’, which explores attachment styles in the context of love and relationships.
There are three main attachment styles: Anxious, avoident and secure.
Let’s look at them in the context of birthdays and ageing.
Birthdays: Celebration or Trigger?
For some of us, birthdays are a time of joyful celebration - a recognition of another year filled with growth, wisdom, and experiences collected.
For others, they can feel like a reminder of time passing, of societal expectations and personal milestones that haven’t yet been met.
Or maybe you meet in the middle, some years the former, some years the latter. Milestone birthdays (40, 50, 60, 70 and beyond) may be particularly polarising.
Are You An Anxious Age-r?
Anxious Age-r’s may feel pressure around birthday time. This can manifest as comparing oneself to peers or feeling a creeping fear that time is slipping away. The ticking clock can magnify feelings of anxiety, making what hasn’t been achieved loom larger.
In ‘Attached’, the anxious attachment style in relationships is marked by fear—fear of rejection, fear of not measuring up, fear of being alone. When it comes to ageing, these fears may show up as a hyper-focus on the future or a lingering unease about unmet expectations. Growing older can certainly bring some wicked anxieties to the surface!
For Anxious Age-r’s, the challenge is to recognise the beauty in growing older and shift the focus from what’s lost to what’s been gained.
I wish I could go back and tell my 27-year-old self—who was so obsessed with a ‘Before 30’ career and life goal list—“Chill out Nim. Honour yourself in all stages of life. There is no rush.”
It’s funny that a decade later I’m embracing every wrinkle like a badge of honour and experience.
Are you a Birthday Avoidant?
This year, I found myself retreating to a new country, seeking quiet reflection in nature with my partner. I can certainly relate to this style. Birthday Avoidants are those who might shy away from the attention or reflection that comes with birthdays. For them, birthdays might be non-events, sources of stress, or opportunities to do something radical to avoid confronting their emotions. They may downplay their age, forget it altogether, and/or avoid conversations about getting older.
There is a grand emotional evacuation that comes with birthdays.
It really is the ripest reflection window of our year. That, for some, can be a bridge that can’t be crossed.
Avoiding birthdays doesn’t stop the process of ageing, though. It can cap the growth potential that comes from reflecting on our wisdom and experiences. Leaning into the vulnerability of birthdays can open up space for greater appreciation and growth. We only have one opportunity a year to do so.
The Secure Age-r: Your New Life Goal
Each year of our lives is a new chapter that adds richness to the story. A Secure Age-r embodies the mindset of progress over perfection, trusting that ageing isn’t just about loss but about continuous evolution.
A Secure Age-r approaches each birthday with a sense of acceptance and gratitude. They see their accumulated wisdom as a powerful tool for new beginnings and fresh perspectives. Bodily changes are welcomed as symbols of a life well-lived, loosening shame or regret.
Yes. Birthdays are the best time for reflection. And - they’re also a celebration of resilience. Each passing year is an acknowledgment of lessons learned, wisdom gained, and memories created.
And the best thing about Secure Age-r’s is that they inspire others around them. I’m lucky to have hundreds of them in my orbit, constantly reminding me of the gift that time is.
Every age has its gifts. I’ve replaced my ‘Things to Do Before 40’ list with a ‘Being List’—focusing on how I want to show up, live, and be of service this year and beyond.
Take a moment today to think about your relationship with ageing. Are you an Anxious Age-r, a Birthday Avoidant, or working toward being a Secure Age-r? How can you approach your next birthday (and all the ones after) with more grace, love, and presence?
Take care and take risk,
Nim